gay vampire suck: the interactive novel

[Kooh]

The end

[rtil]

The end

of times were near, and Horatio knew that he had much more to sucking left to do.

[Philip K Dick]

so far


Gay Vampire Suck
by thebackalleys

Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a gay vampire named Horatio. The year was 1965, and Horatio was with his battalion in Saigon, in the heat of the Vietnam war. As Horatio's eyes glazed over from the boredom of guard duty,  his partner-on-point began to shout racial slurs and charged into the underbrush. The sound of an elaborate vernacular being narrowed down and mutilated solely for the purpose of trash-talk and hatred made a deep cut on the gay vampire's gay poetic sensibilities.

"SMACK", the sound of Horatio's hand slapping his comrades buttocks sent echoes across the godforsaken jungle. His comrade, a greasy new recruit named Albert, shot Horatio a dirty look. Horatio gestured back with a stern, dominating glare before proceeding to coyly moisten his nasty shriveled vampire lips with his long, fulgurating tongue.

"B-Baka!" Albert shouted, as he turned his back to his commander, Sergeant Pickles - who'd been watching the shenanigans in utter disdain of his soldiers.

"Albert," Pickles began, slowly puffing out his chest and letting out a sigh, "Part of growing up is doing things that you have to do, not just whatever you want."

Pickles, after staring his soldiers up and down, began to loosen his belt, his eyebrows dancing upon his forehead. Pants dropped, cigar lit, Pickles waddled closer, not only to his soldiers, but to their hearts as well. Just as Pickles began to strap on his rubber glove, there was a deafening pop and Horatio was knocked off his feet. Then, Vladimir, otherwise known as the Long Shlong from Transylvania, appeared, his godlike presence to inspiring the soldiers to present their anuses. Long Schlong's intimidating presence was enough to make even Sgt. Pickles quiver.

"Ah hauve cahm to sauve you ahll from de darkness," Vladimir said as he stroked Pickles' butt, "Veef my long.... shlong... ~"

"Sugoi...", Albert shivered with fear and turned to Horatio with wide eyes, "That guy is the LONG SHLONG... I heard he once took out an entire enemy platoon, by himself..."

"With his PENIS", he added.

"Did somebody say my name?"  quipped Long Schlongs penis as it slithered out of his pantleg.

"Oh precious Vladimir, these men are unworthy of your shlong," Pickles began as he kissed Vladimir's feet with his whore mouth, "My pooper is your sanctuary"

Finally catching an eyeful of Vladimir's GIANT PENIS, the very reason for his epithet, Albert lost control and had a mental breakdown — crying, pulling on his face and pelvic thrusting into the floor, he could not contain his overflow of emotions any longer.

"See how he offends you with his pointless thrusting!" Pickles spat, "That is not how one makes the dirty in the turdy,"

In an instant, the Vietcong had managed to surround the horny men, they moved in and began to lower their pants as well.

Then deus ex machina and everyone died except for Horatio, who was immortal.


Chapter 2

Horatio was well decorated after the war, but the scarring memory of Long Schlong was forever etched into his mind. He couldn't stand to carry on his immortal life without the Long Shlong, and sought to bring the gigantic beast back from the dead. Horatio knew the way to revive Long Shlong was to find a book encased in the foreskin of non jewish men. The book that has been sought after for longer than Horatio has even been alive, a book that could could make the dreams of men, both mortal and immortal alike, become a reality...

Legend has it that the book was buried deep in the vast region of Peru, near the incan temples. As a vampire, Horatio was no stranger to the dark arts — still, though, he'd never tampered with anything on this level; This was a quest that would take all of his effort, safety, and possibly his sanity, pitting him up against enemies he'd never dreamed of facing before and obstacles that would potentially force him to lose sight of his end goal entirely.

Horatio thought for a bit, and chuckled at the thought of actually "losing sight" of Long Schlong's incredibly big cock - "cuz that would be impossible! Ha ha!"

Licking his lips and adjusting his zipper he proceeded to fly to the mystic lands where he would surely revive his lover. After a convoluted series of unrelated mishaps, Horatio stepped out from the plane into the bustling airport where his old mentor Excalibur Jones was waiting to punch him in his vulva.

"Horatio!", he shouted with joy and walked toward his former pupil, "It is I, Excalibur Jones, your old mentor! I have come here to deliver a breathtaking punch to your vulva!"

"Ah! Master Jones!" exclaimed Horatio, "How long has it been since i've stripped the barnacles from the underside of your boots?"

"Too long, you filthy goddamn fruitcake!", Jones rang back, moving closer to him for a manly, jocular embrace.

After eighteen minutes of relentless tongue-kissing and dry-humping right there in the airport entrance, Horatio recoiled, thinking "This is way too gay, even for me"

They both exchanged apologies and after the consensual intimacy boundaries were known by both of them, they set off to their destination. Horatio felt dirty and wrong for falling for such a distraction like Jones, feeling as if his random appearence was all but random He then realized that Excalibur had not actually lived up to his usual greeting statement of punching him in the vulva, which immediately struck him as strange — Excalibur Jones was not a man to break a promise.

"Don't think I can't see your supernatural magic barrier of ethereal hyperdimensional gayness, do you take me for a fool?" Jones said with a smirk.

Forcing a smirk himself, Horatio chimed back, "So... It has come down to this, has it?" before pulling off his latex glove in a comical, sassy and highly gay fashion. After a long argument on what accessorizes an outfit more: scarves or caps, Horatio began to lose sight of his mission, but after turning to the sky for guidence and seeing what was clearly a cloud in the shape of a penis, he knew his Shlong was still out there, somewhere... and with that, Horatio moonwalked past his old mentor; out of the airport and into the street, Horatio had new resolve — His dick was long, and his heart was strong. The end of times were near, and Horatio knew that he had much more to sucking left to do.

[Kooh]

[Philip K Dick]

Frank Zappa - Thingfish - He's So Gay

[Abnormal]

The next day, Horatio began jotting down notes about his new Schlong-finding plan in his cum-encrusted journal.

[Sheepy]

In between the more important pages, however, were artisan sketches of dongs, drawn by none other than Horatio himself.

[sev]

Every once in a while, Horatio found it irresistible to stop and furiously masturbate to them, each time slapping himself in the side of the head after finishing in frustration at his god awful tendency to get distracted by quality renditions of dongs.

[toucanheadman]

Horatio was gasping from the ecstasy of his autoerotic acts, as he managed to cry ,"Soon, my Vladimir. My longing for you has been extensive and painful, much like the sodomy that I hope to engage in at your revival. Our dances of the flesh will be so mesmerizing that even the immoral god Jupiter will be in envy of our act. My lust for your monster dong will finally be quenched in my butt."

[sev]

Suddenly, the trees of the South American jungle around him began to vibrate violently in the whistling winds and a masked man jumped down from the canopy above him — appareled in a skimpy leather leotard and decorated in tribal tattoos, the man's arrival deeply shocked and confused our vampire hero.

[Sheepy]

The man was none other than Winky Dick, Professional Wrestler by day, Gay Pornstar by night. He has been known throughout the homeland for his Dick Crippler Technique.

[sev]

"Horatio!", Winky cried, "I've come to fight you! I am the second boss that you must conquer in order to reach the mythical scriptures you seek! Your mentor was the first, but alas, he was too weak! Where he failed, I shall succeed! I am going to..." — At that very moment, the wrestler's sentence was cut off as Horatio turned, caught a glimpse of his extremely revealing leather outfit, and rocketed his load right then and there, impaling Winky Dick through the chest and blasting him off into the atmosphere.

[Abnormal]

The sight of his impaled enemy flying away was more than enough to harden his erection, but it began to fade as soon as he noticed a tiny shred of paper where Windy Dick previously stood.

[Sheepy]

It was a map to an uncharted island off the Northwestern coast of Chile, on the back lay these notes: "Hidden Treasures, Beware! Enter and face sexual enslavement! Weak anuses stay clear."

[dilly]

"This was fate. A test by the Big-Bucket-O-Lube Gods," Horatio laughed as he picked up the map, "They think they can outsmart my cumming, but they do not realize my secret weapon. For I am Horatio! The gayest vampire of them all!"

[sev]

Horatio paused for a moment to take out his make-up kit and high five his reflection in its tiny hand mirror for cleverly working "cumming" into his sentence instead of "cunning" — But not long before remembering he's a vampire and thus has no reflection.

[shmeckelbutt]

While wandering through the jungle, it was not long before he had stumbled across a strangely alluring crocodile wearing leopard skin briefs and a used condom on his tail.

[Philip K Dick]

The crocodile stood up and waved enthusiastically at Horatio and he realized this was no crocodile, but his old friends from Nam, Albert and Pickles, bound together in the most horrifyingly gay camouflage ever worn.

[Abnormal]

Horatio smiled jubilantly and worked their holes over before asking, "How'd you dirt-ball shit-fucking wide-hole maggot-ass dick-holes make it out alive?"

[Sheepy]

"Those commies took over Saigon! We were the last chopper out! ... And Albert here was the last chopper in." said SGT. Pickles as he nudges Albert's shoulder. Albert smiles and winks back.