hansel n barguss

[Philip K Dick]

The Very Silly Tale of Hansel & Barguss
by armon pakdel

      Chapter 2

Congratulations! Barguss drove to Hansel's house and knocked on the door. The door was made of candy. Cool! Delicious! Barguss licked the door clean.

   "Barguss! You fuckin' ate my door, you cock penis!" shouted Hansel, running out of the shower, his willy flopping wildly in the draft caused by the absence of the door that Barguss had ate. Hansel's willy was very thick, but not very long.

   "Sowwy Hansel. It won't happen again. I pwomise." said Barguss, looking down at the ground in shame. Sometimes Barguss made mistakes. Shut up. Everybody makes the mistakes!

   "Its OK. I forgive you, you big seasalt. Let's get going, we have to go to Children Town." said Hansel.

   Hansel hopped in the driver's seat.

   "Come on!" yelled Hansel as Barguss lumbered along.

   "Pick up the pace!" shouted Hansel as Barguss slowly moved across the lawn.

   "Move your fuckin' ass!" screamed Hansel as Barguss stepped leisurely down the path.

   Finally Barguss jumped in the shotgun side of the truck. Hansel backed up off the driveway and switched into drive. Putting his foot on the nitro pedal, he zoomed off into the invisible forest.

   
Chapter X

"If dis is a fowest, den where are all da twees?" ejaculated Barguss. Barguss had very long hair. It covered his face...

"Shut up. We're almost there." said Hansel. Taking a big sip of vodka, he sped up to 120mph and spat on the dashboard.

"Your bweath stinks, Hansel." said Barguss. "Maybe we can woll down a window? And slow down little too?" Barguss was a bit nervous considering Hansel was driving in a residential area.

"Can it before I suckerpunch your mother."

Finally they arrived at Children Town.

"Fuck." said Hansel as he hopped out of the truck and into the parking lot. "I forgot to call my wife."

"I'm sure Wosia will understand." said Barguss.

"What? She'll understand that I'm out screwing other broads? Yeah, Rosia will understand that all right."

"That ain't what I meant, and you know it."

"Then what did you mean, huh?"

"I just thought..."

"What did you think? WHAT DID YOU THINK, HUH? HUH?"

"Calm down, Hansel, you're scawin me!"

"I'm scaring you? I'M SCARING YOU?" Hansel took a threatening step forward. Brandishing his Swiss army knife, he kicked Barguss to the ground and pointed the blade at his jugular.

"DOES THIS SCARE YOU? DOES THIS FUCKING SCARE YOU?"

   Hansel's yelling had attracted the attention of several bystanders, who were starting to stare. Hansel decided to yield, and sheathed his knife.

   "Just a joke, folks. Just a joke."


      Chapter the

   Gregory Gold woke up in a pool of his own vomit. Oh no! Greg cleaned up the mess and, since he didn't remember what happened last night, decided to call his hombre Hansel. Hansel didn't pick up his phone, so Greg drove over there on his bike. He walked right in, because there wasn't a door for some reason... heh heh heh...

   "Hansel, the fuck you doin'?" shouted Greg. "You here?"

   "Chill out, bro." said Hansel's voice from behind Greg. Startled, Greg whipped around.

   "I just woke up in a big puddle of puke. Were you there with my last night, holmes?"

   "Nope. I was a little occupied. I got a DUI."

   "Damn, that sucks ese. What for?

   "Uh... driving under the influence."

   "Damn dude, you're using all these big fucking words that I don't understand. Its like you're a walking dictionary or some shit, holmes."
   
   "Okay. So what was it you needed, again?" said Hansel, scratching his head.

   "I need to know someone who can tell me what happened last night."

   "Well I certainly don't fucking know. I was arrested and bailed out by fuckin' Barguss of all people."

   "Barguss? The gay retard?"

   "Yeah, him."

   "How'd he..."

   "Don't ask me how he got the money. Its as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. Especially since..."

   "Since what, bro?"

   "I threatened him with my knife right before I got arrested. Its really fucking funny really, like the retard's attracted to me or something."

   "Maybe he is. Who knows, ese?"

   
Chapter Barguss Gets a Haircut

   Barguss got a haircut. As he walked out of the salon, he bumped into his old acquaintance from school, Titus. Titus liked to wear khaki shorts and tank tops. Barguss didn't like to admit it, but Titus's calf muscles gave him a stiffy. Barguss was bi-sexual, but he had never told anyone because that would be really gay!!! What Barguss didn't know was that everyone thought he was gay anyway, so it didn't really matter whether he told them or not!
   
"Hewwo Ti-Ti!" said Barguss.
   
   "Woah! Back off, queer!" said Titus, leaping backwards.

   Bargus ran crying all the way home.

   
      Chapter

   Hansel quietly knocked on Barguss's door. Barguss turned off the TV and walked to the front door where he glanced out the peephole and saw Hansel. He quickly locked the door and barred it with his body. What a silly thing to do!
   
   "What are ya doin, Barguss? Let me in!"

   "No. You twied to kill me!"

   "I was drunk. I'm sorry."

   "You're weally sorry?"

   "Yeah."

   A few seconds later the door clicked open and Barguss stood facing Hansel. There was a few seconds of awkward silence before anyone spoke.

   "I'm sowwy too." said Barguss.

   "Don't be. You bailed me out even after I did that shit to you."

   Barguss looked Hansel dead in the eyes. Hansel looked right back. Before they knew it they had embraced each other and were furiously jerking off each other's penises. They made gay love right there on the porch.

   And so ends the very silly tale of Hansel and Barguss. I think now is a good time to reflect on the morals of this story:

1. Doors are made out of candy!
2. Forests don't have trees.
3. All trucks have nitro pedals

[InsaneX]

w;..

[GenTrigger]

Shit son

[ZekeySpaceyLizard]

release the missiles

[trent bortknob]

Barguss was bi-sexual, but he had never told anyone because that would be really gay!!!

[InsaneX]

Barguss was bi-sexual, but he had never told anyone because that would be really gay!!!

THAT DOESNT MAKE SENCE becus theres a diffrence between an fucking gay person and a bi person!

[LordZeebmork]

Barguss was bi-sexual, but he had never told anyone because that would be really gay!!!

THAT DOESNT MAKE SENCE becus theres a diffrence between an fucking gay person and a bi person!

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE diference betwen bisexuuals and pansexuals and samesexuals and pedosexuals and  insectuals and zxuals and q sexuals and and and and anda dna dnad and and and adnad anda nda nd

[InsaneX]

zeebmork is gay,

[trent bortknob]

The door was made of candy. Cool! Delicious!

[Mad Meat]

zeebmork is gay,

so true