sing boy gets laid

[Philip K Dick]

Sing Boy Gets Laid
By Smarty Pumpkin Pants, Master of the Universe

Chapter 1

Ding-dong! The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the suburban one-story house and Peter "Sing Boy" Sing raced to the front door. He knew who exactly who it was.

"Sign here, here, here, here, here, and here," said the UPS deliveryman.
   
   "Thanks you so much dude..." said Sing, a single tear shedding down across his rosy cheek. "U have no idea this long I been wait!"

   The anxious Sing signed the legal papers and was presented a moderately sized, cardboard package. Sing boy lugged it inside as the deliveryman drove away in his truck.

   Sing Boy had been waiting eight long months for this box to arrive. After pulling the package into his living room, he did not hesitate to tear open the cardboard exterior and dig his way through the pallid fluff to get to the delicate contents. Finally his hand hit solid. He extracted the contents and found it to be... another box. This box was much smaller. It fit snugly into Sing's palm and shimmered brilliantly in the golden sunlight.

   The tiny box had a keyhole in the center. Sing dug around the larger box for the key but to no avail. He sighed. "Now watta gonna do?" he thought out loud to himself. He slumped back onto the couch in frustration. Eight long months. Had it really been that long since he had ordered it? It had cost Sing nearly a fortune, but Sing was sure it would be worth it.
   
   He stared at the painting of Genghis Khan on his wall. It wasn't a particularly good painting, or even very valuable, but it was an inspirational painting for Sing. His father had given it to him as a parting gift when Sing had left to go live on his own as a fish salesman at the age of 19.

Suddenly Sing Boy's cell phone began to play his best friend's and mentor's signature ringtone.

   "Wassup Andrew Capelli?" said Sing Boy after sliding open his phone.

   "...Not much, yo," said Andrew Capelli stagnantly in his deep baritone voice. "Listen, can y'all come over for a few minutes? I need to tell y'all something... in private."

   "Sure thing, Andrew Capelli."

   Sing boy hung up and was halfway out the door before he remembered something – the cube. He didn't want anyone breaking in and stealing it while he was gone, so he grabbed it from the couch and stuffed it in his pocket before heading out.

   He arrived at Andrew Capelli's house via bicycle about 50 grobnogs later. He parked his bike and rang the doorbell. The door swung open and Sing Boy stood facing his bestest friend.

   "How r u..." asked Sing.

   "I'm okay, I guess. Come inside," beckoned the old young man.

   Andrew Capelli's house was actually a converted whorehouse. Some of the old prostitutes still lingered there, but it was O.K. because they made due... heh heh heh...

   "Breasts! You forgot to pay me this month's rent!" said Andrew Capelli as they passed by Sing's childhood crush on their way to Andrew Capelli's room.

   "Sorry about that, big boy," moaned Breasts. "Ungh... uhnnnn! Ooh yeah! Yeah! Put your penis in my vagina!"

   As they arrived at Andrew Cappelli's office, Sing Boy complimented Andrew Cappelli's doorframe.

   "Nice tefron doorframe dude!"

   "Thanks. But its not Teflon. That's what they use to make pans, you fucking idiot. Its actually stainless steel."

   "Cool. Awesome!"

   Andrew Capelli closed the door behind them as they entered the room. Sing had been in this room so many times before, it might as well have had been his own. The familiar scent of leather armchairs filled his nostrils, and as he sat down he noticed that Andrew Capelli had purchased a $512 dartboard from Wal-Mart. Andrew Capelli hadn't used it much, but if asked would say he enjoyed it thoroughly. This was not entirely true. When Andrew Capelli had purchased the dartboard, the intentions for doing so had been entirely decorative. The reasoning behind this was that his walls were much too bleak, or so had been said by his father when he had visited. Benicio Capelli was not a pessimistic man, but he had his quirks. When Benicio had seen his son's practically empty wall, he simply had to comment on the state of things. That's when Andrew Capelli had started to consider what to start putting on his wall. Of course it was not simply to please his father. Part of it was that, and the other part was because he knew his father was right. His wall was much too empty. There was just nothing there too look at, to entertain guests and provide amusement in the off-hours. Andrew Capelli had considered several other options, including a calendar and a Spice Girls poster before deciding on the dart board. Andrew Capelli never particularly cared for the Spice Girls, but upon discovering that the cheapest poster in the store was one of the girl group, he considered it for a moment. Of course he decided it against it in the long run. The store in question was the local record store, which had a long history for its bargain basement prices. The quality of the goods, however, lived up to its reputation and matched the quality of its prices. Andrew Capelli was not a regular at the record store, but he knew the manager and had met him at a dinner party several years prior to the purchase of the dartboard.

   "That's a pretty dice dartboard," remarked Sing.

   "Hella dice."
   
   Sing Boy wondered if he'd ever have a dartboard as nice as that one.
   
   "So why here are you call me, Andrew Capelli?"

   "I have a favor to ask of you, Peter?" said Andrew Capelli.

   "That's dice and all, but why have did you put question m-"

   "Shhhh. I hear an assassin."

   Sing silenced himself and in the dead silence he could hear the plodding footsteps of an assassin.
   
   Andrew Capelli got up, his leather chair falling back to the ground as he stood.

   "Those are obviously assassin's shoes that we are hearing the footsteps of. We gotta get out of here before this guy finds us!"

   Sing started to panic. He had only met one assassin in his life. Just kidding. He hadn't really met any assassins. But he was still panicking.

   Suddenly Count Periwether II formerly known as Andrew Capelli (Andrew Capelli's clone from the future from the past)

   "Andrew?" whimpered Sing.

   "No! It is not I, Andrew Capelli, but it is in fact Count Periwether II, the devilishly handsome assassin from the world beyond."

   "...What?" Sing Boy was pretty confused at this point.

   "I demand at once you hand over the last of the seven scorpion crystals. I believe you received it in a mail-order package today..." The Count was pretty sure of himself.

   "What's a spider diamond?" inquired Sing.

   "They're not spider diamonds, they're SCORPION CRYSTALS. Get it right. They are ancient mystical artifacts created by a primeval deity. Legend says that when the seven scorpion crystals are gathered, the gatherer will be granted a wisdom that has been long forgotten by the ages."

   "Yeah, okay, I get it," said Sing with a yawn. "I paid like hella grobnogs for that package. Why would I just give it to you?"

   "Because if you don't.........................." began the Count. Suddenly the earth began to rumble. It was a very conveniently placed plot device to help Sing Boy out of trouble! I mean an earthquake!

   The ground erupted and split open in a massive gaping fissure. Everything and everyone within a 50 foot radius fell inside... including the dartboard.

   Chapter 4: Sing Boy Gets Laid

   Sing Boy awoke to find himself lying in a pool of blood at the bottom of a murky cavern. BUT WHO'S BLOOD COULD IT BE? As the mystery deepened, the reader's fading curiosity piqued.

   Sing Boy followed the path into the misty darkness. He could find his way by himself. He was guided by the liSing trudged through miles of nothing until he saw a faint Running towards it, it became brighter and brighter until it became something totally wacky.

   "Grib-mon? What you are doing here?" asked Sing Boy, his voice reverting to his original dialect.

   Grib-mon the Tentacle Boy, the man Sing had addressed, was an anthropomorphic bison. He wore armor to protect his flank every night. But what could he possibly be doing down here in God knows where?

   "I'm hiding from the assassin," bitched Grib'mon. "He's out for my scorpion crystal. I know it."

   "Guess what-a buddy! He know you down here! Go hide soma-where else!" Sing crooned as he caressed the cube in his pocket. He knew what was inside. It was an objet d'art of great power that had been handed down through the generations and given to Sing Boy as a gift on his 19th birthday.

   Grib'mon spat on the dirt ground and performed 3 cartwheels out of sight.

   "So much four him," Sing Boy.
   Sing wandered onward until he came opossum a ravine. The ravine was pretty fucking big. He peered over the edge and found himself peering over the edge of the ravine. Below his eyes was the edge of the ravine. It was pretty ravine-esque. Suddenly Sing Boy stumbled and fell – right off the edge of the ravine. As he fell his head transformed into a framed picture of bison wearing armor in the night. Landing at the bottom of the ravine, Sing was devoured by a pack of rabid hyenas. His remains were picked apart by the crows.

   After being eaten alive Sing got up and walked to the nearest phone booth. He dialed Breast's number and waited for her to pick up.

   "Hey sexy. Ungh, oh yeah, oohhhh yeahhhhh. Oh my goddd, yeah. Put it in me, yeah."

   "Breasts, I hella need a ride right now. Can you pick me up?"

   "Where you at dawg?"

   "I don't know."

   "Oh okay, I'll be right there then."

   10 minutes later, Breasts pulled up beside the phone booth. Sing hopped in the car and fucked her 6 times. He then got out of the car and watched as she drove off.

   Sing Boy Loves 2 Shop

   Peter Frampton I mean Sing Man, defeated and broken, retreated to the valley of broken windchimes where he trained for several years (months) until his wounds had healed and his strength had grown. Now he was r

   Oh my gosh said sing boy its my favorite band Satan's mullet and they're playing at the amphitheatre on the 26th can I go mom please no sorry said Sing Boy's dad I mean I don't want you doing all those crazy drugs and whatnot.

[trent bortknob]

lmfao

[Necronomitr0n]

i just noticed there are 2 uncle toms

also lmao

[creamcorn]

lmfaoooo

[Philip K Dick]

on an unrelated note heres a nude album i made

http://hlg.furfag.com/Down%202%20Earth/