Lumberjack T-Shirt

[Philip K Dick]

Lumberjack T-Shirt
By Smart Pumpkin

   There once was a man by the name of Euro Fabbyeti. Euro was a boisterous old man who was as tall as he was short, but if there was one thing that Euro was not it was a lumberjack t-shirt. Euro longed to become a plaid lumberjack t-shirt and rest firmly upon the breast of a lumberjack as he secreted sweat and chopped down trees. Alas, humans could not become inanimate objects, and therein lay the obstruction to Euro's ambitions.
   
   One day Euro sat by the seaside, skipping rocks into the water, the gorgeous sunlight shining down upon him almost as brilliantly as Tony Hawk, his supermodel fiancée by his side.

   "Is something wrong, dear?" said Nancy. "You look suspiciously like you would rather be cushioning the breast of a lumberjack right now."

   "What?" said Euro. "N-no, you have me all wrong. It's nothing like that at all."

   "I can tell when something's on your mind, Euro."

   "Really," said Euro, "it's nothing."

   Suddenly a small red crab crawled out of the sand and Nancy began to freak the fuck out. Holy shit.

   "Ew, Small Red Crab. Gross!" squealed Nancy. "Kill it, Euro, kill it!"

   Euro looked sympathetically at the crab which was now scuttling along the sand. It was a cute little thing, almost as cute as Tony Hawk. It was a shame that its life was about to get cut short.

   "Kill it already!" barfed Nancy.

   Euro hesitantly raised his boot and brought it sailing down upon the crab. Much like how Tony Hawk comes sailing down after skating a 900.

   "Wait!" cried the crab. "Don't kill me!"

   Euro's boot hovered above the crab. He had hesitated because for a second, he thought he had heard the crab speak.

   "Did that crab just talk?" asked Nancy.

   "No, that's impossible," said Euro. "Crabs don't have the mental capacity to say words as elegantly as you or me. Or Tony Hawk."

   "I'm not a crab," said the crab. "My name is Neb. I'm a sea goddess and I swear that if you let me live I will grant your every wish!"

   "It really did talk!" said Nancy. "What is it saying?"

   "Something about granting wishes."

   "That's right," said Neb. "I have the power to grant any wish you desire."

   "Okay," said Euro. "I wish I had one million dollars, in cash, right now."

   Euro and Nancy waited about five seconds, and nothing happened.

   "Well?" said Nancy. "Where's our money?"

   "Right behind you," said Neb. Euro and Nancy whipped around. There was nothing there. Turning back around, they found the crab had vanished.

   "You should have killed that thing when you had the chance!" shriek'd Nancy!

   "Sorry," said Euro. "I guess I'll never be as swift as Tony Hawk."

   Later that nights, Euro lay awake in bed, pondering the significance of the crab, when all of a sudden he heard a loud THUMP. Getting up, he walked into the living room of the beach house and was pretty surprised to see a one-million dollar sack lying on the floor.

   "Nancy! Nancy, come see this!"

   Nancy came charging into the room.

   "What did I miss?" she asked fervently.

   "It's a sack..." began Euro.

   "So what?" wretched Nancy. "I have like, six sacks exactly like that one."

   "No you don't you dumb bitch," said Euro. "This sack has one million dollars in it. Dumb bitch."

   "Holy cannoli!" exclaimed Nancy's rectum. "Do you think that crab..."

   "...really granted my wish?"

   "That's impossible," said Bark, Euro's trusty dog. Bark the dog had just arrived on the scene and was now sniffing the bag and urinating on the floor.

   Chapter Deux
   
   "Thanks," said the yacht salesman. "That will be exactly one million dollars."

   Euro handed over the one-million dollar sack and was in exchange given the luxury yacht of his dreamz. Speaking of dreams, that night Euro had a most peculiar one! He was surrounded by a field of one million dollar sacks, bathing blissfully in their warmth when all of a sudden, Neb the sea goddess appeared!

   "Sup."

   "What are you doing here????" whined Euro. "I was having the most fanciful dream until you showed up. And hey, you're not a crab anymore."

   It was true. Neb had assumed the form of a large breasted young mermaid. She was also nude... as far as mermaid nudeness goes.

   "You spared my life, nigga. I have come to grant you another wish."

   "Sweetness!" said Euro. "I wish for..."

   "Be wary the consequences," warned the sexy mermaid goddess.

   "Whatever. I wish for two million dollars this time! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! H-"

   Jolting upright in bed, Euro awoke from his boner-inducing dream. Laying by his bedside was a two one-million dollar sacks. Sweet deal!

   "Euro," said Nancy after Euro told her about the dream and the money. "If you can wish for whatever you want, why don't you wish for your aspirations to be accomplished? What about that whole lumberjack T-shirt thing you were always crooning to me about?"

   But enticed by the prospect of even more moolah, Euro simply would not listen. Every night he wished for more money. Three millions, four million, even five million. Before he knew it Euro had twelve one-million dollar sacks. What could anyone buy with all that money?

   "Are you really sure you want to buy a hollow replica of the statue of liberty?" Bark asked Euro as he handed off the money to the president of the United States of America.

   "Hell yes I'm sure."

   "Why exactly do you want to spend twelve million dollars on a fake statue?" said Bark as Euro gutted him to death with his hauberk.

   The moral of this story is that if you lose sight of your ambitions you'll end up buying a fake statue.

[dilly]

what a wonderful story!

[Mew_User]

Beautiful.

[trent bortknob]

this stÖriû change mi lif¢

[spite]

wonderful

[Daveb0t]

is this a monty python thing im not reading it

[Philip K Dick]

is this a monty python thing im not reading it

its a story i wrote

[Daveb0t]

ok ill read it when i have time

[Wasim]

armon dat was very entertaining

[Philip K Dick]

http://s-pumpkin.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

new s pumpkin story

[slantedskarekrow]

it was delightful

[trent bortknob]

i think it's fucking great and i would post my favorite lines but i want everybody to read it for themselves

[leone]

gr8

[retrosmash]

I thought it was a masterful work full of your trademark satirical/interpretive whizzes and whims, and I'd certainly read it again in my free time, but what the golly breast fuck is a hauberk my fellow godsend?

[Philip K Dick]

I thought it was a masterful work full of your trademark satirical/interpretive whizzes and whims, and I'd certainly read it again in my free time, but what the golly breast fuck is a hauberk my fellow godsend?

well i thought it was like a spear but apparently its some kind of chainmail

[Daveb0t]

ok just readf it not bad but do a vore fanfiction naruto sonic crossover PLEASE

[Philip K Dick]

ok just readf it not bad but do a vore fanfiction naruto sonic crossover PLEASE

aight

ill do 1 just 4 u...

[Sapphire]

This was incredible.