The President’s Cyst

[Philip K Dick]

Many moons ago there was said to be the fountain. BUT THIS WAS NO ORDINARY THE FOUNTAIN. It was the coolness fountain. Anyone who dared drink its contents would instantaneously become über dice and kill the president.
One day Luigi D'Angelo, a science major at the University of Cool, whose aspirations included killing the president, being really cool and being extra super cool stumbled upon the fountain while on his daily stroll through the park. Obviously he had heard the legends, but he had never would have fathomed they were true.
Kneeling down, he examined the fountain. Its water was grimy, its porcelain exterior cracked and in need of maintenance. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to drink this filthy stuff. After all, there were other ways of becoming cool and killing the president; hard work and effort, for example.
That's when Luigi noticed quite a queer sight. On the other side of the fountain, lapping up the dirty water was a young girl. She didn't seem to have any problem consuming the vile liquid until she suddenly turned and violently vomited everywhere.
Luigi rushed to the girl's side.

"Are u alrite???" he whispered in her ear.

"No," muttered the girl. "Does it look like I'm fucking alright?"

"Hella rude," said Luigi.

"So I assume you're here to gain the mystic coolness and gain the ability to kill the president?" she asked.

"Maybe," said the Luigi. "Maybe not."

"Well obviously you are. Don't bother trying to lie," said the girl. "By the way, my name's Tanya."

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Luigi, jumping up in excitement. "You're not Tanya Herbert, the celebrated and world-renowned assassin who killed the president five years ago, are you?"

"I sure am!" said Tanya. "And I plan to do it again. Heh."

"Not if I do it first... heh!"

Luigi bent down, scooped up a handful of grimy fountain water and held it up to his face. It smelt like something the president would use to wipe his anus. The moment Luigi lapped up a bit with his tongue, he wretched and spilled his breakfast all over the carpet (?).

"And you call yourself a man..." snickered Tanya.

"Fuck you," said Luigi. "I'd like to see you do better."

   "You know," said Tanya. "It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm holding a party and the president is invited."

   "I don't get it," said Luigi. "What does that have to do with killing the president and being wicked über cool?"

The Next Day

   "Happy fourteenth birthday, Tanya!" said the president. "At first I was suspicious of why you would hold a birthday party in an old abandoned warehouse, with the only guests being me and this strange man named Luigi who looks like he wants to kill me, but after you gave me that blowjob I think its pretty obvious you're not trying to kill me and become really cool."

   That's when the president noticed the large knife protruding from his neck. He toppled over, dead as a dead president.

   Tanya and Luigi gave each other a high five. They were celebrated for years to come as the coolest kids on the block. The end.

[creamcorn]

[retrosmash]

the greatest

[The Good Ole Ant]

"Luigi bent down, scooped up a handful of grimy fountain water and held it up to his face. It smelt like something the president would use to wipe his anus. The moment Luigi lapped up a bit with his tongue, he wretched and spilled his breakfast all over the carpet (?)."

lmao

[Dailyman]

dead as a dead president

[The Good Ole Ant]

dead as a dead president

more fun than the white house and a sign that says "kill president"

[DrRumack]

somebody needs to put a sign that says 'kill the president' outside of the white house

[ZekeySpaceyLizard]

awk