ice cream christmas

[Philip K Dick]

Ice Cream Christmas
By Armon Pakdel

Chapter 1

   It was Ice Cream Christmas in Dream City. The afternoon bells sounded a jovial tune as a mass of people, humans and slars alike, gathered 'round to celebrate the annual holiday. Everyone in Dream City was there!!! Even the old war veteran, Hero, had come to celebrate Ice Cream Christmas!

   "Ahem." The human gripping the mic in front of the podium in the center of the town square had cleared his throat and was standing with a nervous smile on his face. He was accompanied by a body guard on either side of him. Odd, thought Hero, as he jerked off into a cup. Why would he need body guards? I thought the war was over...

   "As you all know..." began the human, "We here in Dream City, and the state of Faggotopolis have been at peace for the last 50 years."

   Cheers broke out amongst the crowd. The noise was deafening. The human at the podium began to sweat. He scratched his neck in anticipation.

   "Unfortunately... we are at war once again. I regret to tell you this on such a magnificent holiday, but I want you all to be prepared for what's to come."

   "Fuck you!" yelled a human in the crowd.

   "Yeah, fuck you!" yelled a slar. "All I wanted to do was spend the holiday season jacking off into my sister's mouth, and now you're telling me we're going to war? Fuck that!"

   That's when a chant broke out. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

   "Please! Everyone! Calm down!" shouted the human at the podium.

   The crowd quickly got out of control and soon a riot began. The podium was toppled in the confusion. Humans and slars alike were trampled, killed in the frenzy. Hero sat quietly in a corner, observing the chaos and stroking his erect penis leisurely. In the distant sky, he could see a faint object approaching. At first assuming it to be a missile or a bomber aircraft of some sort, upon further inspection it turned out to be a helicopter. The helicopter grew closer and closer to Hero until it landed a hairsbreadth away.

   "Yo!" said a lanky black slar as he poked his head out of the helicopter. "Get in, mothafucka!"

   "Why should I?" inquired Hero. "I don't trust slars. I fought a war against your type once. I know all of your tricks."

   "Just trust me, yo. And put yo dick away, nigga. That's mothafuckin' disgustin', yo!"

   "No." Hero shook his head, his gray beard rustling back and forth as he did so.

"Mothafucka.... Get in now or ya'll are gonna die. They nukin' this joint in 5 minutes."

"Like I said, I don't trust slars."

"Racist mothafucka. Dayum... I didn't want to have to resort to this... Angel!"

Hmm. That was a strange coincidence. Hero's granddaughter was named Angel. A beautiful girl stepped out of the Helicopter, with a petit frame and large breasts.

Wow... thought Hero as his erection intensified. She does remind me of baby Angel. Hero hadn't seen his granddaughter in nearly 10 years. But this couldn't possibly be her. It had to have been a coincidence. His darling Angel would never associate herself with slars.

"Grandpa! Get on this helicopter right now!" shouted the girl.

Even stranger yet, she seemed to think that Hero was her grandfather. How very silly of her.

"Very clever, slar. I can see right through your disguise..."

"Grandpa. Its me. Angel. I can prove it, too. Look." She pointed to her chest.

"Yes, its quite apparent you have a nice rack, but what-"

"Not my breasts, you idiot. The lemonade pendant you gave me 10 years ago on this same day. Ice Cream Christmas."

"...You must have forged it somehow," said Hero, after considering it for a moment.

"Nigga please!" said the slar. And with that, he pulled out a baton from his jacket and sprang forth. Hero swatted him away like a fly. The slar tumbled to the ground and landed on his belly.

"We only have 2 minutes left, grandpa. Please!" pleaded Angel.

"I'll do it if someone can give me a god damn blowjob around here."

"Deal." Said the slar as he got up, wiping the dust off his jacket.

Chapter 2

As the helicopter flew over the boundary of Dream City, Hero gazed down at the hectic metropolis. It was Ice Cream Christmas – the time to celebrate and jerk off. Why did those fucking slars always have to ruin everything?

Hero turned to face his alleged granddaughter and the obnoxious slar who had promised him fellatio. Also accompanying them in the helicopter was an anthropomorphic grizzly bear (although Hero had his doubts that he was real – it was a known fact that they had all gone extinct some 300 years ago) and a man cloaked in all black who hadn't spoken a single word.

They hadn't flown 200 feet from the border when Hero heard the sound of candy (ok). He whipped around and sure enough, what was once Dream City was now a sprawling barren plain of death. In a flash, Hero's hometown and all its inhabitants had been vaporized.

"Fuck," said Hero, stomping his foot on the ground. "My house was there, and shit. And like, all of my possessions. And my friends. And that one whorehouse. Dang, that was a good whorehouse."

"Just be lucky you're alive, friend!" said the grizzly bear, in an obnoxious, Goofy-esque drawl. "Hyuck!"

"...So I guess you slars weren't lying after all," said Hero after a moment of consideration. "I guess."

"We're not slars," said Angel. I mean... Dennis here is half-slar-"

"Holla!"

"-But I'm just your granddaughter. And Fumby is just an autistic grizzly bear that talks."

"What about Mr. Mysterio over there?" enquired Hero, pointing to the man clad in all black who still hadn't said anything.

"I don't even know who that is. But I'm pretty sure he uses his psychic powers to drive the helicopter."

"...Okay. So can I get some god damn head already?"

"No," sighed Angel. "First, we need to explain to you our mission."

"I don't care about your mission... I do care about the missionary position though." Hero gave himself a mental high-five at what he considered a great pun. Apparently he didn't notice Dennis and Angel simultaneously groaning at his awful attempt at a joke.

"Just... just listen," began Angel. "I'll break it down for you. You remember the war that happened 50 years ago? The one you were in? The war between the humans and the slars?"

"How could I forget? Those were my glory days. The slar-killin' days." Hero licked his lips.

"Yo, shut da fuck up, nigga. Ima kill a muhfucka pretty soon, ya'll," grunted an enraged Dennis.

   "Calm down, Dennis," said Angel. "Anyway, grandpa, that war never really ended. The whole peace between the slars and the humans was a ruse created by the inhabitants of Dream City to- what the fuck are you doing?"

   "Jacking off, what does it look like?"

   "Stop it! I'm trying to explain something very serious here."

   "You know, I still don't really believe you," said Hero, sheathing his cock. "You could have easily forged that lemonade pendant. The only reason I came on this stupid helicopter was to get a blowjob. And now Dream City is a barren wasteland. Fuck you."

   "We need you, grandpa. Please, just listen to me," Angel was on her knees, begging. Dennis followed suit, along with Fumby and even the man in black.

   "Yo nigga. I'm sorry fo all dose names I called you, mothafucka. Dis nigga."

   "Hyuck hyuck! I love you!"

   "..."

   Hero sighed. He had four total strangers on their knees begging him to join them. If this were a usual case he would have said no, but since he had nowhere else to go at this point...

   "Alright. Finish your dumb explanation."

Chapter 3:

   "So you're telling me," said Hero, "That Faggotopolis is still at war, and has been for the past fifty years?"

   "Yes," said Angel. "Not only that, but Danon Ceoris – supreme overlord of the slars – plans to forge an entire country out of the dead bodies of the human race."

   "That sounds like a really stupid plan," said Hero.

   "It is. But Ceoris has enough power to do it. He is a MUSE after all."

   "What the fucking good god is a MUSE?"

   "Let's just say that he's been alive for a lot longer than any of us can imagine."

   "...So then, if we kill him, we essentially end the war."

   "Yessir." Angel turned to face Fumby. "Fumby, I'm gonna need coordinates on Ocean Headquarters."

   "Right away, hyuck!" giggled Fumby with a salute. He then proceeded to extract a map, seemingly out of nowhere, and began to study it tenaciously.

   Angel faced Hero again. "That's where we've determined Ceoris is. All we have to do is walk in, kill him and whoever is guarding him, and walk out. It should be a snap, especially with your skills, grandpa."

   Then, suddenly, the helicopter lurched.
   
"Mothafucka! We gots an enemy bogey ahead!" shouted Dennis. The helicopter jerked to the right. Hero stumbled and lost his balance, and began to slide on the ground.

   "Grandpa!" yelled Angel as she reached out for his hand – but it was too late. Hero had slipped out of the open door of the helicopter and was tumbling towards the earth like jizz flying into a hooker's mouth.

   ---

   What a great Ice Cream Christmas this has been, thought Hero. First my city explodes, then I don't get my dick sucked, and now I'm falling out of a helicopter. Great. Just great.

   Hero tilted his head back and glanced upward. He could see the helicopter he was just riding going down in flames. Well hey, he thought. Maybe if I survive this fall, it won't be such a bad thing that I fell out.

   Then out of the blue swooped Fumby.

   "Hyuck! I gotcha!" he said, clinging on tight as he released his parachute.

   "Saved by an autistic grizzly bear. Just my luck," said Hero.

   After they arrived safely on the ground, Hero inspected his surroundings. They seemed to have landed in a sort of grassy knoll, with flowers and grass sprawling for as far as the eye could see.

   "Where are we?" demanded Hero. "And where is that big-breasted young girl, the mysterious man clad in all black, and that obnoxious slar?"

   "Hyuck!" said Fumby. "I'm pretty sure I saw Dennis and Angel parachute out of the helicopter, hyuck, moments before it exploded!"

   "What about mysterio?"

   "I don't even know who that is, hyuck!"

   "Is he really that mysterious?"

   "I guess so, hyuck-a-doodle-doo!"

   Hero then decided it would be a good time to sit back, relax, enjoy the fresh air, and masturbate. He pulled down his pants and began to wank. Fumby was too distracted attempting to radio in his partners to notice. Then, as he was climaxing, something touched Hero's shoulder. He spun around and jizzed all over a slar. The slar was vaporized in an instant. All that was left was its clothing and its gun. As Hero zipped up his pants, still in shock, he wondered to himself – was that slar trying to kill him?

   Fumby confirmed his thoughts a moment later as the autistic grizzly bear came running.

   "That slar was gunna kill you! You're lucky he magically vaporized for no reason, hyuck!"

   "I don't think it was for no reason..." began Hero. "In fact, I think it was for a very good reason. I might have just discovered the slar's weakness... semen."

Chapter 4:

   After a few more hours of idle bullshit, Hero and Fumby decided to take off. They trekked across the grassy knoll, surprisingly without hindrance from any slars, until they came to a crimson palace. The palace stood tall, adorned with jingle bells and artificial ice cream cones, apparently in celebration of Ice Cream Christmas.

   "What is this place?" asked Hero.

   "Hyuck if I know!" said Fumby.

   They approached the palace gates and were immediately confronted by two slar guards.

   "What business hath ye here?" inquired a guard, pointing his spear menacingly.

   "Uh... I... we have a message for the king," said Hero, doing his best to improvise.

   The two guards relaxed, but did not lower their spears.

   "What is thine message? Tell us and we'll deliver it for thee."

   Hero glanced at Fumby, hoping he had a solution. Fortunately, he did.

   "Well, hyuck, it's a pretty long message, and I don't know if you guys can remember it all."

   One guard lowered his weapon, and the other followed suit.

   "Fine. Thou shalt pass."

   The massive cherry double doors seemingly magically opened, and Hero entered, followed by Fumby. The inner palace was like a marshmallow wonderland. Adorned with fluffy white pillows stacking to the ceiling, the sprawling grand hall was like a dream come true.
   
   "How did you know there was a king?" asked Fumby, so mesmerized by the dreamlike palace that he didn't even utter a single "hyuck".

   "I'm a good guesser," said Hero as the gates slammed shut behind them.

   They made their way through the delicious foyer (guided by the directory at the front) and a series of magical gumdrop hallways until they came to the throne room.

   "Welcome, my friends!" shouted the man on the throne at the very back of the room, presumably the king. After all, he was wearing a lofty crown upon his head, and a red robe that glistened like 10,000 suns, and he had two more guards on either side of him. "I've just received a PM on Facebook from my front gate guards informing me that you two have a message for me."

   "Um..." said Hero after an awkwardly long pause, "About that..."

   "Don't worry, my children. I know there is no message," said the king with a sigh.

   "You- what?"

   "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is King Ocean IV. Please excuse the insubordination of my guards. I just want you to know that I am very much your ally."

   "What."

   "I know all about you, and your quest to stop this war. And that is why I am going to join you." The king stepped down from his throne and walked over to Hero and Fumby.

   "Well, I'm cool with that," said Hero. "What about you Fumby?"

   "Hyuck! I don't trust him!"

   "Well fuck you, retard. This guy might actually be able to help us find our lost allies."

   "Yes," said the king. "I have a high-tech tracking system set-up to find most anybody in the world."

   "Why would he have slar guards? I don't hyuck, trust him," said Fumby.

   "It makes about as much sense as having that idiot Dennis on our team."

   "He's half human, hyuck."

   Hero turned to the king.

   "Hey, king."

   "Yes?" said the king.

   "Can you please put a muzzle on this idiot?"

   "...Sure."

Chapter 5

   "You see," said the king, after leading Hero and Fumby (who had appropriately been muzzled up) to a secret chamber behind the throne room. "I have been trying to stop this ridiculous war all along. That Danon Ceoris fellow is a bit mixed up in the head, if you ask me!"

   "What's all this equipment for?" asked Hero, pointing to the computer screens, pulleys, levers, and other miscellaneous machines sprawled across the room.

   "Isn't it obvious? Every last bit of machinery in this room has been built to stop Danon Ceoris and his army of slars. Right over there is the tracker I was talking about. It can find most anyone in the world. Unfortunately we haven't been able to ever find Ceoris."

   "I know where he is," blurted out Hero. "He's in some place called the Ocean Headquarters."

   "Is that so?"

   "Kind of a funny coincidence that your name is King Ocean IV," said Hero.

   "Yes, that is quite the coincidence," said the king as Fumby squirmed to speak under his muzzle. "Say, who wants a blowjob?"

   "Well, I do, but not from you."

   "Oh, ho-ho-ho. Don't be silly now. I have plenty of whores here who would love to suck your magnificent dick."

   "Holy shit balls! Really?"

   "Of course! Go ahead into the next room, all the whores you could ever want are awaiting you."

   "And... are they free?"

   "But of course!"

   "WOO-HOO!"

   Hero darted off into the next room where he instantly found himself falling into a pit trap of death to which at the bottom lay a pool of man-eating barracudas. Managing to cling on to the edge at the last moment, Hero was safe until the king stepped forth and raised his boot to crush Hero's hand.

   "Where are the whores, asshole?" said Hero.

   "You'll get all the whores you want in hell!" boomed the king, bringing his foot down. Hero didn't want to get his hand crushed, so he let go, and began to fall.  

   The king laughed in triumph, and as he did so, Fumby, who had torn off his muzzle and was bleeding at the mouth, tackled him. They both fell screaming into the pit.

   Hero landed first, right on top of a barracuda, killing it instantly. The barracuda corpse cushioned his fall, so he landed with but a light splash into the water. Next came the king, who also landed on a barracuda, managing to kill it as well. Then Fumby came tumbling down on the third barracuda, to which it died, eliminating the entire barracuda threat in one really stupid moment.

   The two men and the autistic grizzly bear were now at the bottom of a pit, engulfed in water, with nothing but hatred flowing between them.

   "I have to say, I hate you," said Hero to the king. "I bet you're not even really a king!"

   "That may be true", said the king, whose crown had fallen off in the water, exposing his hairless head, "But at least I'm not obsessed with blowjobs and masturbation!"

   "At least I'm not gay! Nyah-nyah!"

   "Fuck you!"

   That's when Fumby, who had swam behind the King without him noticing, opened his jaw as wide as he could, and without hesitation, bit off the kings head and swallowed it whole. Blood sprayed in all directions, squirting on the walls, on Hero, and on the bodies of the three dead barracudas.

   "Well... at least you're not COMPLETELY useless," remarked Hero.

   They dwelled idly in the bloody pool for about an hour without speaking. Then Hero heard a familiar voice from above.

   "Grandpa!"

   "Mothafucka!"

   "You finally found us. Good job," said Hero.

   "Whats wrong with Fumby?" asked Angel.

   "And are those three mothafuckin dead barracudas?"

   "Oh," said Hero, glancing over at Fumby. The grizzly bear's eyes had rolled back in his head, and his tongue was lolling out of his mouth. "I guess he died. Sucks to be him."

   After Angel and Dennis roped Hero out of the pit and made him change his clothes, they began to fill each other in on what had happened since the helicopter had crashed.

   "Mothafuckin' bogey," said Dennis.

   "There was a slar aircraft tailing us," said Angel. "It managed to shoot us down, but we all parachuted out."

   "Even that one guy?" asked Hero.

   "Who?"

   "You know... that... one guy?"

   "I have no idea what you're talking about. Anyway, we landed in this grassy knoll..."

   "Same here."

   "Stop interrupting me, grandpa. Anyway, we were attacked by a few slars but we managed to fend them off. Then we- ugh... can you quit that please?"

   "Sorry," said Hero, zipping up his pants.

   "LIKE I WAS SAYING, we finally arrived at the palace. We had to kill the slar guards. I'm pretty sure this was moments after you guys got inside, because we overheard them talking about you. That's how we knew you were inside. Then, we fought our way through countless amounts of slars to get to the throne room, and managed to find the hidden chamber, which is where we found you and Fumby."

   "So what do we do now?"

   "Without Fumby, we don't have a logistics expert. Fortunately for us, this king of yours left behind a tracking system like you wouldn't believe. All we have to do to find the Ocean Headquarters now is use his technology. It's a snap."

Chapter 6

   Angel and Dennis got right to work on finding the coordinates of Ocean Headquarters. Hero thought it would be a good time to jerk off, so he pulled down his pants and suddenly remembered something.

   "Hey, tits!"

   "Is that my new name?" asked Angel disapprovingly, not turning her head from the monitor.

   "I forgot to tell you, but I found the slar's weakness."

   "Please don't tell me its semen."

   "Its semen. For some reason, slars evaporate when they come into contact with human jizz."

   "Well, that's wonderful, grandpa. Maybe you should start collecting your semen in little glass jars and splash it on any slar who attacks you."

   "Maybe I will!"

   That's when Hero felt a faint trembling noise. Then all at once, a horde of slars began to storm the chamber. Hero wasn't even close to finishing, so he quickly pulled up his pants and turned around, expecting to engage in combat. The slars wielded weapons of all shapes and sizes, from rapiers to hauberks to tridents. They massed the room in only a few seconds. Strangely, they weren't attacking. Hero stayed on guard, and he could see that Angel and Dennis had dropped what they were doing and were preparing to fight as well.
   
   That's when something odd happened. Something that Hero had never seen in his life. The army of slars began to melt. They slowly liquidized and became a big mass of brown goop. Then the goop began to form a shape. Hero and co. were so mesmerized that all they could do was watch in horror as the liquid formed the shape of a massive, lion-like slar.

   "Is that-" began Hero.

   "Mothafuckin Danon Ceoris."

   Ceoris then laughed a hideous, booming cackle that knocked Hero, Angel and Dennis back a few feet.

   "So THIS is the alleged resistance group? How pathetic," growled Ceoris, so loudly that Hero thought his testicles had burst.

   "Hey, uh..." said a frightened Hero, causing Ceoris to whip his gigantic head in his direction. "I uh... I would um... really appreciate it if you would end the war. Please."

   "Shut da fuck up, nigga," said Dennis.

   "You'll never win the war!" shouted Angel. "Even if you kill us now, there will always be another resistance."

   "Who said anything about killing you?" said Ceoris. Then with lightning speed, he grabbed Angel with one arm and began to walk away.

   "Let her go, mothafucka!" cried Dennis, springing forth with his baton. Ceoris chuckled.

   "Foolish half-breed," he said as he spat a magic meatball that pierced Dennis's shoulder, knocking him back to the wall.

   Ceoris walked through the door and out of sight.

   Hero stood trembling in the corner, wondering when he'd ever get that blowjob.

   Angel had been captured. Dennis had been wounded. Fumby was dead. That one guy was nowhere to be found. And Hero desperately needed some fellatio. Things were not looking good for the team.

   That's when things started looking up...

Just kidding. Dennis stumbled to his feet. Hero helped him up, but he was badly wounded.

   "Deyse gots Angel..." croaked Dennis, clutching his shoulder. "We should has neva underestimated da powa of a MUSE..."

   "Hang in there, you big, uh, guy," said Hero, trying his best to comfort the half-breed.

   As they made their way out of the palace, Hero noticed that there were no slars in their path to hinder them. In the grand hall, Hero found Angel's lemonade pendant. He picked it up and pocketed it, assuming that Angel must have left it for him as she was being carried away.

   They made it outside the palace and were instantly ambushed by a pack of slars. The slars grabbed Dennis and began to drag him away. Hero dived in after him but the slars were overwhelming. The poked and prodded him with their weapons until he was too wounded and tired to fight back.

   The slars dragged Dennis away, leaving Hero laying face down in the dirt.

Chapter 8

   "Nyuck!"

   "...Fumby?" Hero opened his eyes, and lay facing an anthropomorphic polar bear. This was definitely not Fumby. Maybe Fumby's cousin?

   "Nope, nyuck nyuck! Name's Trumpus. Pleasure to make your acquaintance!"

   Hero glanced around. He was in a cave of some sort. The walls glistened with pure condensed candy. In a sense it was almost... magical.

   "I need to tell you something, Hero," said Trumpus, his tone becoming much more serious.

   "Where are we?"

   "I'll get to that, nyuck. We must first discuss an ancient secret that will help you save Faggotopolis. No... the entire world, nyuck."

   "Uh, okay. Fine."

   "Hundreds of years ago, a MUSE was created by a legion of humans and bears."

   "How did they make him?"

   "Oh... I don't know the exact recipe, but I know it calls for a nyuckload of brown sugar and cinnamon. Anywhom, the MUSE turned out too powerful, and had a will of its own. It killed its creators, and made a race in its own image."

   "...The slars..."

   "Exactly. That MUSE was Danon Ceoris, and he is the creator of the slars. The slar race had one weakness though. For one reason or another, the purest form of human life, the seed-"

   "Cum."

   "Yes. Slars are weak against human semen. And that is why Danon Ceoris bided his time, creating an army of slars so immensely large that it couldn't possibly be overtaken by any small amount of semen. But you see, Hero, with your incredibly large scrotum, and your capacity... well, lets just say you're the resistance's only hope, nyuck!"

   "But I could never possibly... ejaculate... that much..."

   "Oh. About that, nyuck. Follow me, I'll show you the solution to all of our problems!"

   The polar bear took off and Hero followed close behind. They passed by a room with a table. On the table lay a map, and a black cloak. It took Hero a few moments to realize it.

   "You! You're the guy in the black cloak!"
   
   "Nyuck! Sure am!"

   Hero followed Trumpus into the next room, where he saw a large machine that was like nothing he'd ever seen.

   "You see this device, nyuck?" said Trumpus, "You stick your dick in this end, and it... milks ya! Like this!"

   "Ew. I did not need to see that."
   
   "Come on, buddy. You're the one who jacks off in public, nyuck!"

   "Is this going to hurt?"

"Nyuck nyuck nyuck! Only a little!"

   About an hour later, the machine was filled to the brim with Hero's sperm. Hero felt like his cock was about to fall off.

   "Enough?" groaned Hero.

   "Hmm... Yup! I think so!"

   "FINALLY!" gasped Hero, pulling his dick out of the machine.

   "Now," said Trumpus. "I need to tell you what's going on outside this cave, and how we're going to stop it."

   "Oh boy."

   "Listen up, nyuck nyuck! Your friend Dennis has joined the slars. They've brainwashed him and he's been hypnotized to do whatever Danon Ceoris wants him to do. He's dangerous because he's half human, half slar. Meaning, he's not effected by our secret weapon. If you run into him, you must do anything in your power to take him down."

   "Will do."

   "Secondly, nyuck! Ceoris will try to lure you into his trap. I'm talking about your granddaughter, Angel. He's captured her and is going to use her as bait. Are you ready for this?"

   "Sure."

   "Then let's go."

Chapter 9

   Hero and Trumpus ascended out of the cave into the broad daylight, where a war was being waged. Humans and slars were battling each other to the death meaninglessly, with no purpose or cause. Hero could see the destruction spanning for miles.

   "We're only five miles from Ocean Headquarters. Ceoris is waiting for us there," said Trumpus. "Avoid combat whenever possible. Save your strength for the final battles ahead, nyuck!"

   The duo began to run through the chaos and passed by several small-scale battles when Hero realized something. The destroyed buildings all around them reminded him of something.

   "Is this Dream City?" he asked.

   "Sure is, nyuck!"

   "So, Ocean Headquarters was in Dream City all along..."

   Both Hero and Trumpus had equipped themselves with waterguns loaded with Hero's junk. They wore backpacks full of the stuff.

   "Look out!" shouted Hero as a slar crept up behind Trumpus. Trumpus whipped around and sprayed the slar's face full of semen. It exploded in a flurry of whippoorwill-flavored sausage.

    They continued to trek across the war-torn wasteland until they were approached by seven slars in ninja constumes.

   "We are the slar ninja team!"

   "We will destroy your balls!"

   "We have mystic power!"

   "We are the best!"

   "We are the best ninjas!"

   "Check out our ninja stars!"

   "Fuck! I forgot my line..."

   Hero and Trumpus killed them and moved on. Soon in the distance they saw a fortress. They approached it until it was in plain sight, and that's when Dennis swooped in from the sky.

   "Kill... Hero... Kill... Dat Muhfucka..." mumbled Dennis as he approached with zombie-like posture.

   "Woah, back off Dennis. I don't want to hurt you now," said Hero, backing off a bit. Dennis lunged forward, extracting the baton from his jacket. Hero tried to swipe him off, but Dennis had become much more powerful since he'd been hypnotized. The baton hit hard. Hero felt the pain surge through his arm where the baton had struck.

   Hero knew it would be a waste of "ammo" to use any on this half-breed. Besides, he didn't want to kill him. Deep inside he felt the slightest tinge of pity for the guy. That pity was erased with Dennis's next baton blow. The baton whacked Hero straight on the jaw. Dennis then pushed Hero to the ground with ease.

   "Killl... Hero..." he muttered as he raised his baton for one final strike. That's when Trumpus tackled him. The polar bear and the half-breed were sent spiraling to the ground where they began to wrestle. As Hero got back on his feet, Trumpus turned his head.

   "Go on without me! You must destroy Danon Ceoris by yourself, nyuck!"

   Hero did not look back as he headed towards Ocean Headquarters. He could only hear the sounds of the sounds of the conflict escalating around him as he neared the gates.

   Finally he arrived. Ocean Headquarters was a 40 story building that had somehow remained intact despite the candy bombing of Dream City. Hero walked right through the front door. Light jazz music played eerily as Hero crept his way through the building, which was strangely deserted. The elevator door suddenly dinged open. There was nobody inside. It was almost as if Hero was being invited in.

   Hero entered cautiously. There was only one button inside. It read 40. Here goes nothing, thought Hero.

Chapter 10

   Hero arrived at the top of the elevator and the doors slid open, revealing a magnificent grand chamber, at the back of which stood Danon Ceoris in all his lion-like glory. Hero stepped out of the elevator.

   "I assume you've come to take back your granddaughter?" boomed the MUSE, with a maniacal cackle that made Hero feel nauseous.

   "No. Well, yeah. That and I've come to kick your ass," said Hero with confidence.

   "You?" chuckled Ceoris. "You're just a perverted old man. What can you possibly do to me?"

   "You know..." began Hero. "I'm not one for monologues, but when this all started... I mean, when it all started for me, about 18 hours ago, this morning, this very morning of Ice Cream Christmas, I was a very different person. I would have agreed with you. Yeah, I would have said. What could I do to a guy like you? After all, you're a fucking demigod. But guess what? Even demigods have weaknesses. And your weakness is my jizz."

   And with that Hero charged. Ceoris stood perfect still as Hero ran forward, watergun in each hand. As he came close, Angel stepped out from behind Ceoris.

   "Get out of the way, tits!" yelled Hero

   Angel stood blocking Ceoris. There was something wrong here. Hero knew Trumpus had said Ceoris would use Angel against him, but how, he wasn't quite sure.

   Finally, Hero came face to face with Angel. She had a dreary look in her eyes, kind of like hypnotized Dennis. That's it! Ceoris must have hypnotized her! Hero prepped himself in a fighting stance, but Angel did not seem to want to fight. She got down on her knees.

   "What are you... oh god. Hey, get up. Don't do that." Hero tried to push his granddaughter away, but she was very persistent. She pulled down his pants and began to lick at his caucus.

   "I don't much cotton to ince- oh jesus. Stop. Seriously" Hero wrenched away but Angel held on firm. She sucked and sucked and sucked until...

   "Angel. I need you to stop. I have to admit you're really good at this but I don't want a blowjob from my own flesh and blood. Really." But Angel continued to blow him.

   Ceoris uttered a laugh, apparently amused by the situation. Thinking quickly, Hero tore the lemonade pendant out of his pocket and shoved it in Angel's face.

   "REMEMBER! REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!" he shouted.

   Suddenly Angel snapped back to reality. She looked down, looked up, then threw up all over the place. Then she threw up again. Then she passed out.

   "What is this? A lemonade pendant? What does this have to do with anything? Why did my plan fail? What's going on?" demanded Ceoris with a bit of panic in his voice.

   "One question at a time please," said Hero. "Actually, screw that. I'm just going to kill you."

   Hero aimed both waterguns straight at Ceoris's head, but before he could pull the trigger, Ceoris reached out his arm and swiped them away to the ground. Hero pulled off his backpack and began to charge forward, hoping to splatter Ceoris with its contents, but Ceoris spat a magic meatball that pierced the bag and spilled what was inside all over the ground.

   "God dammit, why do you always have to ruin everything?" asked Hero rhetorically.

   Ceoris roared and lunged at Hero. Tackling him, they flew to the ground. Ceoris had Hero pinned.

   "Any last words, old man?"

   "Yeah, fuck you!"

   Hero flipped Ceoris over and began to hump him rigorously.

   "My god! What are you doing, faggot! Help! Help!" screamed Ceoris. "I'm being raped! Help!"

   Hero found a place to fit his dick into, namely, Ceoris's ass. He'd never fucked a man before, but when it came down to saving the world, he'd do anything – except incest.

   The elevator door dinged open just in time for Dennis and Trumpus to see Hero ejaculate into the demigod MUSE's anus.

   "No... THIS CAN'T BE!" cried Ceoris as he slowly melted. "I'm melllltiiinnggg!!"

   "Serves you right you no good poo-poo head!" said Trumpus as he approached the scene.

   "Mothafucka got served," said Dennis, who apparently was all better from his hypnosis

   "And its all thanks to my grandpa..." said Angel, who had awoken. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and onto her nicely shaped breasts.

   "Nooooooooooooooooo! I fucking hate you you old man rapist pervert FUCKKKKKK!" And those were the MUSE's last words.

   "Well guys..." said Hero, getting up, "Looks like we won. We beat Danon Ceoris, and we won the war."

   "And ya'll did it all with rape, incest, and tons of jerkin off," said Dennis, who was beginning to slowly fade away.

   "Oh no! Dennis!" shouted Angel.

   "Nyuck! Dennis is half-slar, and since Danon Ceoris is dead, and he created the slars, Dennis is going to go along with him, along with the rest of the slars!"

   "But... we did this all together..." said Hero. "I... never thought... I'd see the day... when I'd shed a tear for a slar."

   "Shit! Am I gonna die, yo?

   "No. You're going to a better place, nyuck..."

   Dennis faded until he was out of sight.

   "Is he really going to a better place?" asked Angel.

   "I don't fucking know. What do I look like, a psychic?"

   And that was the end of Ice Cream Christmas

   THE END

[SHADOWFOX2]

Can't wait for the next chapter

[Dalenbourg1]

Pure epic, dont stop writing this saga of heartfelt emotion and dicks.

[emanhattan]

what happened next?

[Philip K Dick]

im still writing the next chapter

[retrosmash]

icecream paintjob christmas

[Philip K Dick]

updated!

[trent bortknob]

klmfFo

[retrosmash]

you got a bright future ahead of you.....

[Daveb0t]

eerie light jazz music

[emanhattan]

someone should make a movie out of this

[DrRumack]

wow

this was pretty great