I want to animate a new movie. Need criticism. Full script.

[psi43]

Heyo, assholes. I know that I am known for never finishing anything. But I've spent about 6 months on an idea. I will post the script for the first of 2 or 3 episodes of that idea here.

I need criticism. You can hurt my feelings. I came up with the idea when watching the movie Idiocracy for like the 15th time earlier this year. I don't like the fact that I reference it in the movie, but it's the only reason I can think of to have PL (Pumkpin Lock) cryo'd. The only other reason I came up with was something like "That Disney dude did it, Adam Phillips, and he's a great animator. So I should do it, too". But that doesn't align with what I want to do.

Some things before you read the script:
1. PL = Pumpkin Lock
2. YouTube is basically an analogy for all those platforms and online streaming.
3. This one will probably not be as obvious as #1 and #2, but Apple Lock is the antagonist here, because the company Apple decided that .swf will not be supported on their phones. Which is the major reason why Flash games and animations were suffering so much.

I also would welcome other titles. Cryo-Lock seems like it's an LL character. I was thinking about "The Problems of the Future Now" or something, a play on NG's slogan.

Anyways, here's the script. Please read it all and tell me what you think:

Title:
Cryo-Lock: Episode 1: The Beginning of the End

Scene 1: Locktopia - Day
The camera pans across a vibrant, bustling Locktopia. Animated Locks of various shapes and colors fill the streets, interacting joyfully. The town is a lively place full of creativity and camaraderie. In the background, the Newgrounds logo is subtly integrated into the architecture, reminding everyone of the site that brought them all together.

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
Pumpkin Lock (PL) is walking down the main street, waving and greeting everyone. The Locks respond with enthusiasm.

PL:
(cheerful)
Hey, Peach Lock! Looking juicy today!

PEACH LOCK:
(chuckling)
Thanks, Pumpkin! Got a new project up on Newgrounds today. VOTE 5!

PL continues down the street, passing various Locks engaged in creative activities—some are animating, others are discussing projects. The atmosphere is one of shared passion and excitement.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY
A large screen in the town square turns on, drawing the attention of the Locks. The screen shows a commercial featuring Apple Lock standing in front of a sleek new logo—YouTube. He's charismatic, confident, and speaks directly to the camera. A subtle ticking sound can be faintly heard when Apple Lock is on screen, but it's so quiet it blends into the background.

APPLE LOCK (on screen):
(smooth, persuasive)
Hey there, Locks! Apple Lock here – your favorite content creator – and I'm here to tell you about this amazing new platform—YouTube! It's not just for animations, but for real videos too! You can share anything you want with the world, think of the Numa Numa guy! It's the future of content creation!

The Locks in the square murmur with curiosity, but none seem overly concerned. They admire Apple Lock for always bringing something new to the table, but they don't see it as a threat.

LOCK 1:
(enthusiastic)
That Apple Lock sure knows how to pick 'em! YouTube sounds fun, but nothing beats Newgrounds!

LOCK 2:
(nodding)
True! But I might give it a shot, see what it's all about.

PL:
(thoughtful)
Hmm... YouTube, huh? Sounds interesting, but I'm happy here, this is paradise.

PL continues walking, but now there's a subtle ticking noise in the background, barely audible, as Apple Lock's commercial plays on repeat on nearby screens.

PL:
(The ticking stops) What? This is weird, I thought I heard something.

Scene 2: PL's Home - Night
PL arrives home, a cozy space filled with posters and memorabilia from his favorite Newgrounds animations. He settles onto his couch, flipping on the TV. He scrolls through options on his TV and selects "Idilockracy" from a menu labeled "YouTube." The movie starts playing.

PL:
(relaxed)
Let's see what this YouTube has to offer...

The camera pans out as PL watches the movie, his expression gradually changing from relaxed to intrigued as the satirical future of Idilockracy unfolds. The sounds of the movie blend with a subtle ticking noise. At a climactic point in the film, the movie is interrupted by an advertisement.

TV AD:
The screen flickers to an ad showing a futuristic cityscape, bright and vibrant, reminiscent of the utopian vision PL has for Locktopia's future. A sleek, futuristic cryogenic chamber is prominently displayed.

NARRATOR (V.O.):
(cheerful, smooth)
Are you curious about the future? Cryogenic technology has advanced to the point where you can freeze yourself today and wake up in a world even more prosperous than this one! Why wait? See the future for yourself!

A quick shot of happy people, Locks, waking up from cryo-sleep to an even more advanced world. The narrator's tone shifts slightly.

NARRATOR (V.O.):
(slightly humorous, casual)
But honestly... who would want to? With everything so perfect now, why miss out on the present? Live in the now, Locks! The future will take care of itself.

The ad ends, returning to the movie. PL, however, is now deep in thought, the ticking noise faintly audible in the background.

The movie continues for a moment, then it's interrupted again, this time by a special news segment.

TV NEWS SEGMENT:
A well-known Newgrounds news anchor, Reporter Lock, appears on screen with a serious expression.

ROBOT LOCK (on screen):
(serious)
In a surprising move, beloved Newgrounds animator Adam Phillips, known for his work with Disney and the Brackenwood series, has made the decision to cryogenically freeze himself. Phillips, who has always been fascinated with the future of animation, believes that the best is yet to come.

The screen shows a brief montage of Adam Phillips' animations, followed by footage of the cryogenic facility.

ROBOT LOCK (on screen):
(cont'd)
Phillips stated that while he loves the present, he wants to witness the future of creativity and innovation firsthand. He's one of the few to take this leap, alongside other visionaries who believe the future holds even greater potential.

PL watches this, now completely captivated by the idea. The ticking noise is slightly more noticeable, still blending into the background.

PL:
(whispering to himself)
Adam Phillips... if he's doing it, there must be something truly incredible waiting in the future.

PL watches the rest of Idilockracy with renewed interest, his mind now focused on the idea of seeing what the future holds.

Scene 3: PL's Home - Morning
The next morning, PL wakes up, looking thoughtful. He sits at his kitchen table, sipping a coffee, lost in deep thought.

PL (V.O.):
(contemplative)
Idilockracy... a future where everything went wrong. But here, in Locktopia, everything is perfect. This prosperity... it could last forever. But what if... what if the future is even better than this? What if we could reach heights we've never even imagined?

PL glances at a newspaper on the table with the headline: "Apple Lock's YouTube Grows in Popularity - But Newgrounds Still #1!" He sets down his coffee, a spark of inspiration lighting up his eyes. The ticking sound subtly increases as PL's excitement grows.

PL:
(enthusiastic)
I've got to see it! If things are this great now, just imagine how amazing the future will be! I don't want to miss out on that.

The decision made, PL stands up, determined.

Scene 4: Cryogenic Chamber - Day
PL stands in a high-tech, somewhat retro-looking cryogenic chamber facility. A few other Locks, notably Dia, are there, but they're mostly technicians who help him prepare for the freezing process. The room is cold, with the hum of machinery in the background.

DIA LOCK:
(skeptical)
Are you sure about this, Pumpkin? I mean, things are great now... don't you want to enjoy it?

PL:
(grinning)
That's exactly why I'm doing this! If things are this good now, just imagine how incredible they'll be in the future. I want to see that world, the one where everything we're building now has reached its full potential.

PL steps into the cryogenic pod. The technicians close it around him, and a soft hiss is heard as the freezing process begins. As PL's eyes close, he drifts into a dream.

Scene 5: PL's Dream - Memes and Memories
PL floats through a surreal dreamscape filled with iconic internet memes. The "This is fine" dog (but as Natsu Lock instead) appears, but instead of fire, she's surrounded by ice, mirroring PL's freezing process. The ticking noise is still present, almost as if it's echoing in the dream.

NATSU LOCK:
(calm, yet unsettling)
This is fine...

PL watches as the ice closes in on Natsu Lock, her calm demeanor unsettling against the freezing reality. Other memes from the era appear, blending into a chaotic yet nostalgic montage. Finally, everything fades to white as the freezing completes.

Scene 6: Cryogenic Chamber - Future
PL's pod hisses and releases a cloud of cold air as it begins to thaw. PL's eyes slowly open. The room is dimly lit, the machinery looks aged and rusted, and a thick layer of dust covers everything. The ticking sound has stopped.

PL steps out of the pod, shivering slightly, and looks around in confusion. The once-bustling cryogenic chamber is eerily silent. As he stumbles forward, the door creaks open, revealing a desolate and decayed version of Locktopia. The buildings are crumbling, the streets are empty, and the vibrant life from before is completely gone.

PL:
(whispering, confused)
What... what happened here?

Suddenly, two figures emerge from the shadows—Wine Lock and Aubergine Lock. They're haggard, their colors faded, and they look like they've been through hell.

WINE LOCK:
(grim)
Welcome back, Pumpkin... it's been a long time.

AUBERGINE LOCK:
(sadly)
It's all gone to shit. YouTube fucked us all.

PL looks out over the ruins of Locktopia, his face a mix of shock and disbelief. The camera slowly pans out, showing the full extent of the destruction as the episode ends on a bleak note.

Yes, it took me like 20 minutes to format this in a way that is hopefully most readable to forum members. 

[ZekeySpaceyLizard]

i liked the bit where nicolas cage unzipped his skinsuit and revealed himself to be a stack of warwick davis's in an elaborate costume

[rtil]

i think for what you're going for it is fine. how it turns out will depend a lot on how you animate it - especially timing. why wait? just make it. you'll learn a lot more from doing that.