stories

[funzop]

tell stories

[BluPhoenix]

one time i

[TimmyTurnersDad]

^gaygaygay

putts fucking OWNS

[funzop]

no for real tell some stories of stuff u did

[Necronomitr0n]

one time when i was a baby my dad was patting me on the back and i barfed down his back and he didn't know until he sat on the couch

[spite]

When I was in 7th grade I pierced my ear with a safety pin and kept it in there for awhile.  It made a lot teachers uncomfortable.

I felt REALLY cool

[DrRumack]

one time i was on the internet and a bunch of people made jokes that i didnt understand then i stood on my stool until my nervous breakdown subsided

[Casey Pixmintro]

A guy hit my house on Monday night with his pick-up truck, he was drunk and texting. He tried to run but my Dad held him down til the police showe up. The newspaper showed up before the police did for some reason. Story time!

[Philip K Dick]

one time i was on the internet and a bunch of people made jokes that i didnt understand then i stood on my stool until my nervous breakdown subsided

um dude that happen to me 2  lol we must be related

[retrosmash]

one time i was on the internet and a bunch of people made jokes that i didnt understand then i stood on my stool until my nervous breakdown subsided

um dude that happen to me 2  lol we must be related

WHAT the fuck is with mega man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more like Megay Man!!!!!! right dudes

[Greenkitten]

STATE OF THE ART HIGH RESOLUTION GRAPHICS

[rtil]

A quick background summary was I had scheduled sex with a friend/co-worker. We meet up, have a few drinks, and I'm ready for some gad damn sex! I suffered a spinal cord injury awhile ago which means my body is like a train wreck. I use a wheelchair as well.
I took 20mg of cialis the day before to make sure I was ready for sexy time. We start kissing and touching and I notice my penis is not responding! I was quite distraught. I tell her I have to use the restroom. I'm not peeing though people, but in fact injecting .8 of caverject into my penis. It really didn't hurt putting it in and felt warm as the liquid spread throughout my junk. Literally a few seconds later I have a full blown erection that is throbbing like crazy. It was trying to steal more blood from my body and feed its inner rage. It was pointing to the sky people! This is very exciting for people with spinal cord injuries because our penises suck in a big way. Its a known fact.
Well everything was fine and dandy until the erection didn't go away. We had sex a few times but still that erection was unforgiving! 3 hours passed, 4 hours passed..then I was like oh fuck really? She asked if this was normal and I said I don't think so...she then makes me eggs benedict. We devour the food and she looks over and still notices my penis throbbing up and down like an upset horse. She said well it's late and I'm going to head home, are you sure you are okay? I said yes I'll be fine, I'm sure it will go down soon...NOPE. As soon as she leaves I start to panic. I tried cold showers, sleeping, constant masturbation,taking a massive dump,etc. Nothing was working so I started searching the interwebs for real advice. I found an article that said after 12 hours you are fucked. This gave me enough motivation to call for help. I was curled up in a fetal position in a huge amount of pain while dialing 911 to come get me.
I couldn't drive with the erection and it was so painful if something touched my penis my legs would go crazy. I live with chronic pain and I don't take pain killers so the fact this was "super" painful means it really hurt like crazy. The lady on the other line who answered the call had no idea what was happening and yelled, "I'm not a doctor! do you need an ambulance sir?" I said yes and hung up. Several things went through my mind on how to explain such a monstrous erection to the paramedics.
Several men show up. Not normal looking men but lumber jack looking men. I think there was a few firemen as well. They asked what is the problem sir? I'm wearing jeans that are not even on the whole way and a hoodie to conceal my throbbing erection. I explained to them I need drugs to get an erection. They seem pleased with that explanation and ask where the drugs at son? I show them and they ask well can you just wheel to the ambulance or do you want us to bring up the bed? I said I can wheel. I go nice and slow. Luckily no one was awake in my apartment complex to see this disaster.
The guys in the ambulance were joking around with me and said well at least she had a good time. Then the one guy said, "well one good thing is you didn't have something stuck up your anus." They then went on to tell me a large amount of their "runs" involve random objects stuck up male and females anuses. I was impressed.
They get me to the ER and I strip down waiting for someone to help me with my absurd and painful erection. Literally 3 hours passed until someone came to help. Finally the guy comes in and says WOW you're young, usually guys who come in here are 60+ who just found a hot new young girlfriend and over do it.
I told him its been like 7-8 hours since I had this erection. He said don't worry guys come in here that have had it for 24 hours and they are fine. So that made me feel better. He then says I'll be back with some "tools and tricks" to help you out.
I'm wondering what type of tools he was talking about. He comes back with a variety pack of needles. Ranging from short ones to fat long ones. I said oh good! He said you can't feel your penis right? I said no, I can feel everything...he said oh dear. Do you want some morphine? I said no because morphine really makes me sick and I never take pain killers. He said well I respect your decision.
I wish he tried to talk me into using the morphine a little more. By the time he went to insert the first needle to drain some blood my penis was already so sensitive, the slightest touch would send a painful shock to my brain let alone a gad damn massive needle.
Injecting needles into penis
So he first inserts a longer needle to numb the area. Did that work? NOPE. Then he jams this massive needle that drains blood. The blood was a dark almost black color. He fills up a few vials of it and removes it. At this point I notice 1 side of my penis is all bloated and lumpy. @_@;; He then puts the largest needle into my penis...the ADRENALINE NEEDLE. I could feel every layer of my penis being punctured by this needle. It was by far the worst pain I have ever felt (and I had a roof collapse on my head). When he removed the needle blood literally shot out of the side of my penis and landed on my chest. It looked like a god damn murder scene.
He said that should help as I lay there naked, shivering, and bloody. I wasn't that upset because I thought everything would be solved by those 3 injections...WRONG. I look down at my penis and its HUGE (in a bad way). Literally where they injected instantly starts swelling up. He's reassures me its normal because the blood has to go somewhere. My penis is still hard as hell but now just a whole lot fatter. Keep in mind the head of the penis is normal sized but the shaft is chunkers as hell. It looks pretty epic. He then says I'll come back in a few to see if it helps. I simply lay on my side with an ice pack on my bloated, bleeding penis.
He comes back 30-40 minutes later and I'm in an absurd amount of pain. My penis is now multicolored (blue and purple and some regular flesh color.) Its basically an avatar penis.
He then again jams 2 needles in my already swollen and hurting penis and tries the same technique. This goes on for fucking ever! My penis doesn't give a shit. 'LOOK AT ME, IM A MONSTER!' <--if my penis could talk I'm assuming that is what he would be saying.
At this point my penis is so fat and bloated and sad looking I tell the doctor " don't you have a specialist?!" He said yes I just called him actually. He is coming. He said can we try one more time? I have a doctor doing her clinical and she wants to try. I said fuck it, do it.
Here walks in some little Asian woman all pumped up to jam some needles. She see's it and says, what did you do? I told her he did this to me as I look at the doctor holding a bloody needle.
So now the little Asian woman's hands are shaking attempting to stick a massive needle into my penis to drain some more blood. I asked her, do you want me to hold it? She said yes please! I grab onto that fatty and now I'm shaking. Now my penis is shaking all around which is bad news for everyone involved. The worst part is she didn't even know where to put the needle. She asked the doctor and the doctor didn't give her a straight answer to see if she knew what she was doing. I felt very safe.
Then I tell the nurse to get in here and drug me up with whatever she had. She was so excited to hear I wanted medication. She said I have morphine and some other drug I couldn't pronounce. She injects me with the morphine first and then the other one, one in each arm. I'm feeling pretty good now. She says, "you poor thing! First you break your neck and now you have to have this happen." I said well if I hadn't of broken my neck I wouldn't be taking this so well.
An hour or so passes and finally the specialist comes in. He looks like that Japanese guy off of madtv.
He says, WOW! your penis is swollen. What did he do? I said he ruined me. He said well it will go back down to normal in 3-4 weeks. Its just the blood trapped under the skin that's why its so swollen. He should have compressed your penis each time he did an injection to keep the blood from spreading.
He then says I can't tell if your penis is still erect or if this is just from it being so swollen. So he literally takes both hands and starts milking my penis. Starting from the head and going down to the balls. Now my balls are black and blue from the blood getting pushed down there. While he is miking my penis we are talking about my life as a software engineer, he then goes onto asking if its hard for me to get girls because of the wheelchair. I tell him not really as long as you keep things like having your penis almost explode on the DL. He giggles.
He said well it looks like your penis is still hard in some spots. He then jams more needles into the hard spots and finally my penis is no longer erect but now looks like a very misshaped bloated sausage. It took a total of 21 needles to get the penis back to normal.
He gave me his number and said if this ever happens again call me first and don't let those guys touch your penis.
I slept for literally 15-16 hours until I couldn't sleep anymore. My roommate came in and asked how my weekend was...I said I didn't do much.
It took 3 weeks for the size of the penis to go back to normal but oddly the color of blue/purple stayed for awhile. I actually was quite content with the blue colored penis but sadly it also faded away. Good news my penis still works and I still inject the shit out of it.
So a warning to everyone out there, don't abuse your penis with drugs!

[slack]

if someone takes the time to read that will you summarize it

edit: wait i already read that nevermind

good read btw so take the time to read it

[Greenkitten]

i inject drugs into my penis all the time

[charlieJ25]

i think this is the great issue.....



transfer pension

[retrosmash]

i got up one night to get a tall glass of water when suddenly

[Philip K Dick]

one time i was on the internet and a bunch of people made jokes that i didnt understand then i stood on my stool until my nervous breakdown subsided

um dude that happen to me 2  lol we must be related

WHAT the fuck is with mega man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more like Megay Man!!!!!! right dudes

how can you argue with one megabyte memory???